In my last blog I wrote a little about making choices and perhaps thinking that at times there is no choice. It might be that the alternative to the way you are managing things is too awful to contemplate. It might go against what you believe is best for you and for the person you care for. As I have written before, it might be easier and quicker to do what you have always done. Or it might be really difficult to think through an alternative way.
Whatever the reasoning, there is always a choice and surprisingly, there are nearly always benefits to making the choice yourself, even if you choose to make no change. It is the choosing which can bring benefits. Choosing means taking responsibility and taking responsibility means taking some control. If you are in control then others are not and that can be a great feeling. Some carers that I have worked with have described their life as feeling more free when they learn to choose what to do and how to do it.
It’s important to be clear that taking some control is not the same as being controlling, although they are linked. Being controlling is needing to be in control even if it is not the best thing. Taking some control is different.
So how can you learn to make choices when life is rushing by and you are familiar with the way things are? Well the first step is to be aware of what is going through your mind and what emotions you are experiencing. Carers have described to me how they feel resentful, irritated, even angry. Also worried, anxious and fearful. It’s OK to feel any or all of these things. If you can manage to notice your thoughts too, you might notice yourself wondering about doing something different. You might be thinking what if I did things a different way.
I will tell you another story. A lady I worked with cared for her husband with dementia. She loved him dearly and wanted to do everything right for him and never left him alone or with anyone else. When I met her, she was angry with herself for starting to feel resentful and irritated with him. She told me that there were several people offering to sit with her husband to let her go out with her friends but she said to me “I don’t have any choice, I promised I would take care of him.” Through speaking about the situation and what she was feeling and thinking she discovered that she kept saying to herself “What if I allowed our friend to be here once a week?” And then she kept telling herself that she couldn’t possibly. But speaking about things helped her to realise that going out with her friends occasionally did not mean she was no longer taking care of her husband.
The story has a happy ending. Once she started listening to the “what if” voice in her head, she was able to work out what she needed to do to make her feel assured that her husband would be safe while she was out. It worked for her. However, I have worked with other carers in a similar situation who made the decision not to go out. For one carer that I remember their decision was based on the risk they thought their husband wold be exposed to. For another they felt that the consequences of going out would undo any benefits. The fact that they had considered an alternative improved how they felt, because they had consciously made a decision.
You may not relate to this story but you might recognise where you could make some choices. You may care for a child or a sibling and have forgotten how to slow things down and consider making a choice. Paying attention to what you want and need is OK – you probably spend much of your time paying attention to what everyone else wants and needs. Not just the person you care for but perhaps the wider family who might all have different views on what ought to happen!
I haven’t looked today at choices about how we behave and what we say but they can be important too. Perhaps a little more difficult. I will look at that in a future blog.