Trapped by how we like to do things!

In my last post a couple of weeks ago, I touched on how we like to do things as being something that might get in the way of taking care of ourselves. Some of the feedback I have received suggests that I may have struck a chord so I thought I would follow that up today.

One of the biggest challenges can be to trust that someone else will do things the same way we like them done. That might be looking after things in the house to give us a break, or it might be looking after the person we care for. Either way we can sometimes fear that if things are not done in the way we are used to doing them, then we bring some risk into our lives and make things less manageable.

The risk could be just small and inconvenient – they might put things away in a different place and I won’t be able to find them quickly and easily. If we are running on empty then our tolerance for these “small” things going wrong can be really diminished. Some days not being able to find something is just a nuisance. On another day it can feel like the end of the world! And our ability to cope with that “end of the world” feeling is also reduced if we are running close to empty. The emotions leak out and all of a sudden, we are feeling guilty about something we have said or done in haste!

The risk could be more significant. They won’t be able to support (either physically or emotionally) the person I care for in the same way that I do. So, what will I come home to? It can feel quicker and easier to do things, everything, ourselves. That feeling of it being quicker and easier, can even influence how we relate to the person we care for. We might be reluctant to allow them to do things for themselves or even to make their own decisions.

I hope you won’t mind me sharing some of my own experiences about taking care of my mum. I would often be rushing and it seemed easier and quicker to make decisions for her – what she should wear or even what she should eat. Asking her to decide what she would like to wear or what she would like to eat often resulted in a lengthy discussion which I felt I didn’t have time for. Why might we imagine that the things that are important to us now – being independent, making our own choices and decisions – should suddenly no longer be important just because of some loss of ability? I had to keep remembering that the need for dignity, independence, feeling valued had not disappeared just because my mum was in her 90s and needed help.

Sometimes stopping and looking, as if an observer, at our day we might realise that we spend a lot of our time rushing from one task to another, maybe not even speaking to the one we care for in any depth. What is the message we inadvertently convey if we don’t sit down, maybe don’t even take off our jacket yet do the washing up, empty the bins and do the ironing?

Time, or lack of it, has come up again as I write today. However, in my working life and my personal life I have frequently been reminded that we all have time to do the things we think are important and the things we value. I have also worked with many clients, carers and managers in organisations, who make the time to do things which I might think are not worth spending time on. Conversely, things that I make time for, they would see as wasteful. So, making choices about what we do is a very personal thing. Unfortunately, it can be easy to forget that we are actually making choices all the time. How many times have you said “I don’t have any choice”? Maybe there was a choice but the alternatives didn’t seem feasible or practical.  So, our choices can trap us in patterns and these patterns can result in problems in the longer term. 

I plan to post something new around every 2 weeks and next time I will continue today’s theme by writing a bit about trying to keep things in our lives manageable and the choices that might lead us to make.

3 Replies to “Trapped by how we like to do things!”

  1. I like the new packaging.

    There are a couple of things in this for me. My wife has been bed bound since the start of the year. As with many Alzheimer’s patients her swallowing packed up. She came back from the brink. Ever since I have dealt with preparing and giving all her meals as well as all personal care. This is my free choice. It is highly likely that some feeding problem may start a chain of events leading to her death. I’m ok with that, but I don’t want it as a burden on anyone else. Also monitoring inputs and outputs is essential to her wellbeing. This said, I make a point of getting out regularly between meals, leaving her in the charge of responsible people. So I guess that wraps up choice and, clarity about why choices are made.

    The second thing would be the point about consulting / involving our loved ones. This has special connotations in dementia care, where progressive decline of brain function brings up pretty much daily the dilemma of when, why and how to intervene. How to promote independence while assuring safety, and yes, sometimes just getting through the day’s job list.

    A distinction I’ve found useful is that between supporting and interfering. It pretty much ties the two halves of my comment together. If I’m supporting my wife and feeling supported by those around me then life is good. If I feel that I or others are interfering then, not so good.

  2. I really like what you have written and can relate to it from both sides, as a carer and a professional. When we look after a loved one a couple of things come to mind. There is a subtle role change which slowly happens, creating a vulnerability for both people involved, and their families, while having to deal with the unfamiliar. The second is not being able to plan, not knowing what the day may bring and a need to feel in control. So having a good network of people to give support and recognising we need to take time out to recharge in a day, can bring feelings of guilt.

  3. Thank you Elaine for more thought provoking words.
    Over the last two years that my husband has been in Cornhill I have managed to let go of the daily responsibility and life is easier it also allows me to spend quality time as I am completely focused on him during hospital visits.
    I have now accepted help from his brother and sister and will let them take washing home on their visits without feeling that I am the only one who should take on this task, I felt that they were interfering, especially in the first year and often though “he is my husband I did this at home why are they trying to take this responsibility away from me” but now I know that they feel better being part of caring for his needs and doing this for him makes them feel better as one of the worst things is feeling helpless and not knowing how to support someone you love with Alzheimers when someone else is doing everything for him.

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