In my last blog I introduced some elements of mindfulness and since then have had several conversations with carers about how scary it sounds to them. I would really like to make it easy for you to gain some of the benefits that are possible since I know what a difference it can make.
Last time I wrote, I spoke about what might be going on in your mind. It might be occupied going over things that happened in the past, it might be speculating or worrying about the future. Being in either of these places too much means that we might not be present when we need to be. Or we might miss out on some of the benefits of being “in the moment”. However, please don’t think I am suggesting that looking back over things or wondering about the future are bad things to do. Of course, they are not. But if they consume us or we struggle to escape from this kind of thinking then it might be worth trying to change things.
Before I write about trying to influence what is happening in our minds, I want to stress that reflecting on the past can be very useful. We can learn from it and think about different ways of handling a situation if it were to arise again. Maybe we think we didn’t handle a conversation with a physiotherapist or a nurse terribly well and found ourselves becoming very upset and unable to make our point. Thinking about what happened and perhaps speaking to someone else about it might help to work out how we could behave differently if a similar situation were to come up. However, if our thoughts focus too much on what we think should have happened or on something over which we have no control, for example, how someone else behaved, that will just drain our energy.
Similarly, there are times when thinking about the future is absolutely the right thing to do. A carer I spoke with recently mentioned that her mother would be having some surgery soon. She was spending a lot of time thinking about how to organise her house to make it safe and to manage the risks that might be around when her mum comes home. That is a really important thing to do, but she also found herself worrying about things which she could not control – what if mum has a lot of pain, what if the surgery really knocks her for six as they say? Well, these things are less easy to plan for and we just have to be ready for them if they arise. We need to cross some bridges when we reach them. One of the ways to make sure we are able to deal with whatever arises is to take care of ourselves and make sure we are not “running on empty”.
What about achieving some balance? The first step is to notice what is going on in your mind and whether or not it feels as though you have any control over it. Sometimes it is possible to recognise what is consuming your mind and then to distract yourself. Other times it might feel as though whatever you do, these thoughts creep back in and take hold of you. Maybe keep you awake at night or distract you when you are trying to focus on something else. Trying to push the thoughts away generally doesn’t help. They just seem to push back! But switching your focus to something else even for a short time might provide some relief.
What could you switch your focus to? I wrote last time about being in the present and the relief that can bring. So really trying to be aware of the here and now can make a difference – what you see, what you can feel, what you can hear, what you can smell and what you can taste. It is easy to neglect the full range of our sensory experience.
Let’s try a little practice. You might be sitting having a cup of coffee and notice that your mind is trapped worrying about some event in the future – a doctor’s appointment, an assessment by care management, or a trip that is concerning you. See if you can turn your attention to really noticing how the chair you are sitting on feels. Is it firm or soft, do you feel it on the backs of your thighs, is your back resting against the backrest? How about the room you are in? Is there any air moving, perhaps from a window? Does it feel drafty or is it pleasant? What can you hear, what can you smell? Are you warm or cool? Are any parts of your body tense? Just notice. And if the thoughts creep back, that’s OK, think of them like clouds that will pass and then go back to noticing your chair and the room.
For a few minutes you may well have gained some relief from the worry. So now you know that it is possible to have some control over your thoughts. I will continue next time and help you to see how this little technique can be used more and therefore provide you with more relief.
I’ve just reminded myself how uncomfortable my sofa is! Thanks for that, Elaine.
Thanks also for another thoughtful and well crafted thought provoker.
Just a reminder that my caring situation is that my wife has advanced Alzheimer’s disease, so a degenerative condition.
I do reflect on what has passed. I find it valuable in tracking patterns and trends. Of course we get surprises but often the clues as to what may come next are there in what has gone before.
In terms of thinking about the future, I do that too. My analogy is about being prepared for what may be round the next bend. It is reasonable to run two or three options and be ready for them. Beyond that, I really don’t stress too much. Whenever I try to engage with a long way out there are so many uncontrollables that it just becomes a big mess. I content myself with a sense of whether it is a blueish mess or a pinkish mess. Just one word of caution. I know it is possible to get lost in the big mess to a degree where the anxiety becomes all consuming. Self help has it’s limits and we just need to be aware that we can ask for help if our anxiety about the future becomes too much for us to cope with.
Being in the present is at one level too easy. There is always a list of stuff to do that way exceeds the time I have to do it. It is easy to get lost in just doing. Clearly that is not what Elaine is talking about. There are common devices to fit this bill, prayer, meditation, even yoga, Pilates, tai chi all have their place for some people. For me, it is nature. This year I haven’t been able to go and see the avocets on our local wetlands or do the skylark walk on the South Downs. But last week I spent a good moment with my greenhouse spider as she caught and wrapped her lunch and my first success with dahlias has given a lot of pleasure. With Jackie, we try to spend an hour a day just together doing nothing. I also take moments to look at her in a level of detail that I just haven’t for years.
So, thanks, Elaine, for the opportunity to ponder these things. I’m hoping other readers may post their perspectives. Always something to learn. SN.
Thank you again Elaine and also thanks to Steve N I found that both blog and comment balanced things out. I am struggling a bit just now my husband who has had Alzheimer’s for 7 years has been in Cornhill for over two years now and is going through another deterioration and I am also having worrying thoughts about my son a drug addict who is not doing so well just now.
A space for me is needed and this was a good reminder to see things from different perspectives and to shift my mind to the beauty and positive things around me every day and dwell on them for a while. It’s got my morning off to a good start with a smile and some resolve to take more bite size pieces in a day and not get overwhelmed.
Pamela, you have a challenging situation. A friend of mine had a husband with dementia, now deceased. Her son had a road accident and sustained serious and lasting brain damage. She got support and part of it was a mindfulness programme. She came off it early because she couldn’t muster the calm and detachment to have it work for her. Thinking on that took me to the “right time” principle and thinking of thresholds. A head needs sufficient space for mindfulness to operate in. Just highlights the need for therapists to be really good at selecting the right tool at the time for the task.
Thank you for your comment Steve