During the almost 10 years that I have been working with carers I have reached the conclusion that while the situation and experience of every carer is unique there are a number of challenges which exist in the day to day experience of many if not all carers.
Already as I write this, I realise that the language I use may attract some readers and make it possible for them to identify with the topics I will write about. However, on the other hand, the same language may alienate some readers. I will do my best to recognise when this is a particular risk and will make sure I offer alternatives or an explanation.
The first, possibly most important example of this is the use of the word “carer”. For several years now the word carer has appeared frequently – in the media, in academic papers, in strategies produced by NHS bodies and government agencies both local and national and in discussions and conversations among clinical professionals. And these are only some of the appearances of the word “carer”!
And yet, many of the people I have worked with who care for or support someone would not dream of describing themselves as a carer. It is just what you do they have told me. They are simply being a good wife, husband, mother, father, brother or sister, daughter, son, neighbour or friend. It is often only when others, frequently professionals, describe them as a carer that they begin to consider that label might be appropriate.
I hold myself responsible and guilty for seeking an umbrella term which works for us as professionals but is less welcome to the people we are trying to describe. So as a reader, will you forgive me, or at least tolerate my use of the word carer?
I will be using it in its literal sense – someone who provides what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance and protection of someone. The particular situation where this becomes relevant is when someone is unable to attend to all these needs themselves. So these situations may range from a child with a long term chronic condition or disability, an adult with an illness either long term or short term, a relative with a life limiting condition – the list is very long!
Back to what I have discovered in my work with people who “care” for someone, who I will call carers.
The risk of failing to look after yourself while looking after someone else is huge as are the consequences – you can’t pour from an empty cup! If our own resources are depleted then we are less able to care for others since caring uses up our resources. It sometimes seems easier, more legitimate perhaps, to pay attention to ourselves physically (making sure we sleep, take food and exercise) but we very easily neglect our emotional resources which are critical.
Many years ago, when I began to drive, my dad insisted that I avoid running the car on the bottom quarter of a tank of petrol – I would damage the car and worse still probably grind to a halt in an unexpected and perhaps dangerous situation.
Well we are all a bit like a car in that we need to keep our resources topped up but we are different in that we can keep running on empty or very nearly empty. But its not good for us or the people we are looking after!
So that is what I am going to be talking about in my blog – how to take care of ourselves so we are more able to take care of others. And a few other connected things on the way.
Very interesting blog.
Great introduction with very clear and concise explanation – making it accessible to everyone. Well thought out and interesting piece. I look forward to reading more!
Great link for those caring, feeling consumed,overwhelmed and isolated.
I believe your blog is going to be very useful for all “carers”. From my own personal experience I know we do neglect ourselves and Elaine, you always are perceptive and offer good advice. Good luck with the blog.
I shall certainly be looking forward to reading more.
Maureen
Really enjoyed reading your first blog Elaine. looking forward to reading more.
Good idea, Elaine! I like the easy link to putting petrol in a car – no fuel, no energy. There’s also the MOT and servicing to keep us all healthy and safe. I’m looking forward to more…
A great resource to provide Elaine, from your wealth of knowledge and learning around the needs of carers. Well done on getting it started.
Elaine, hi, and thanks for including me. Your message was the first I read this morning after getting back from my 2 hr break. 6 days a week I get out for a couple of hours, shopping, errands for sure, but always half an hour of “me time”. Enough to keep sufficient in the tank. Looking forward to being part of this. With your permission I shall share with a couple of local carer support groups who may be interested. All best, S
Enjoyed reading your first blog & looking forward to reading more. Will definitely share with others.
Hi Elaine and thank you for the link, I hope you are well. This blog is a great starting point – and reminder to me. I look forward to reading more.
So pleased that you have started your blog Elaine. I look forward to reading more. Best Wishes Pamela
Yay, Elaine you’re doing it! This is great, you’ve enabled so many carers to understand the importance of nurturing their own mental health, it’s good you are going to continue through this forum. I am forever grateful for your guidance and look forward to following the blog. Pat
Thanks for this, Elaine. I look forward to reading more. I remember this “lesson” clearly, from our one-to-one sessions. Gardening, is still an important self-satisfying element to me, in helping to “top-up” my resource levels. Progressing ok just now, during periods of better weather. Regards, Mike.
Hi Elaine
Thanks for the message, couldn’t have come at a better time, I’m definitely close to empty and really need some “me time”. You are so right we just keep on going “caring for others” and forget about our own limitations. Working full time and “caring” for my Mum with dementia who lives with us and my man who suffers from PTSD and depression really is mentally challenging at times. Lots of people ask me how do you cope with working as well but I tell them that work is my release in a lot of ways as I look forward to seeing the girls I work with and immersing myself in their stories of what they might have been up to at the weekend for example and we always have a laugh. They know my situation and always try to keep me smiling when they know I’m a bit down – never underestimate the power of good friends.
Really enjoyed your first blog Elaine.I can equate with much if not all that your other readers are saying and it is of great comfort to know that we are not alone.Sice my meetings with you I have slowly come to realise to become / continue to be an effective career you actually have to be a little selfish or significant resentment can accumulate and that’s never a good thing.Thankyou again- look forward to reading more.
Thank you for this blog, what you have written is true, I’m sure I speak for anyone looking after their loved one, your focus is a million percent on them and ensuring you give them the best possible life you can. The biggest thing I find hard to deal with is the hurt of seeing my husband suffer and like everyone else I am his protector and I wouldn’t want it any other way but yes I have failed to take care of my own wellbeing and have recently contacted Parkinson’s UK, Sue Ryder and VSA which I now realise can offer so much support and guidance and last week for the first time in 6 years I actually let someone else help and in that hour I ended off visiting my brother for a coffee but that hour was valuable as I didn’t need to worry. I’m now focusing on what I can do to improve myself, better diet, light exercise and allowing others to help me, it is a very slow process but gradually I will get there.
Well done you, great start. I am sure that lots of people will be very interested in what you have to say but also the discussions that follow.
When is the next one? lol
Interesting first blog on this important topic. Look forward to the next.
Well done. Easy reading and very pertinent. Looking forward to future blogs